amongst the ether

As a brief update on my life, let me point out the obvious and say that I haven't been posting to this blog. Would I claim that writing came mainly as catharsis for a troubled mind, and that I can prove my own well-being with this fact? No, I don't claim to. Do I intended to instead recount the whirl-winded weekends of the past two months; the burning effigy of heartache and moving on, whether forced or embodied so passively and wholly as to be overwhelming? I can think of better stories and wider smiles. What does my heart want?

Who am I to say?

As I sat in row H at Meadowbrook Theater with great perspective on the performance below, (and how appropriate that perspective be an underlying thread to so many of life's obstacles!) I was swollen: with tears and emotion. An appreciation much like I had felt years prior, when I first saw their yearly production of A Christmas Carol. But this time was also totally different. I wielded a slight apprehension because I had been looking forward to this day for so long. Perhaps because my life has filled with a hazy happiness that I am afraid will vanish back into the ether. Yet I am not so stubborn or impatient as to reach headily into the mist and demand a tangible explanation.

I am not asking to alight like snow on a Christmas morning: so aesthetically profound and absolute as to be absurd. I am not seeking solace or an unmatched immersion within someone else. My goal is growth. My method is balance. Because my ex-girlfriend will still say 'hi' to me, and I will remember her quietly, for a time, in melodramatic chicken-scratched scribblings like: "she deserved none of my kindness/and my distaste is a noxious vapor/if she cannot see it she will feel it when she sleeps". Welp. Some of my exes must have had as much to say about me and I keep my fingers crossed they led to more than a sob story. If all relationships only led to wasted words of regretted mistakes and unrequited emotions, there would be no life to carry on with optimistic musings.

There's a lesson in there somewhere, amongst the ether.