self-respect, courage and dignity

Have you ever thought that you were the most important person alive? Of course you have, and it's true. As true as anything can possibly be, in your scope of understanding. Maybe you could believe that you are less important than some higher goal, but that would come at the expense of self-respect, courage and dignity. In writing this, my initial response is to poke holes in the thin sheet of my own thinking. Shouldn't God be the highest head on the totem pole and, when my life is slipping away before any sort of force I can exert to save myself, be the ultimate receiver of my love and devotion? To what end? Stories and blind faith can lead many, many to close their eyes and step into the light thinking they will adjust on the other side - but I am firmer in a belief that they won't. The romantic in me (who makes mixtapes and writes poetry) thinks that perhaps another person deserves better the commitment of my very life. I see this as a slightly better alternative than God, but maybe that is only because I am currently so removed from a healthy, honest relationship with another human. All of my acquaintances and loves are, in the end, self-serving. This is deeply unsettling. Maybe I feel that seeking a companionship which would evolve itself, over time, into such conventional and unconventional states as legal marriage, cohabitation, procreation, trust, sharing, etc., is the right direction to steer my life. My prose, allocation of energy, and thought processes certainly point in that direction. That attaining a selfless connection to humanity is the ultimate goal. But what about when we are comfortable in those things? What about the future? This ideal life situation that every one of us is perpetually working toward?

We never achieve that, for starters. An infinitely consistent aspect of humanity is striving for more. (This can be painful or inspirational - I opt for inspirational.) Imagine if you had everything you "want". What would you want? Happiness? No, happiness is a balance of 'want's and 'need's. Love can be both a 'want' and a 'need'. When love is viewed under the lens of 'want', it takes on a strange and unnatural form of yearning. We 'want' it in the same way that we want to hear a song or buy a new shirt. When love is addressed as a 'need', it becomes simpler, easier to define and, while perhaps not as abstract and interesting a thing, easier to welcome into daily life. But nothing is ever only one or the other. 'Need's are constantly under the scrutinous eye of desirous 'want's, while 'want's must come at the expense of some fundamental 'need's. This give and take is so inherent as to be outside of the decision making process. This is both a scary and enlightening thing - the basic elements of our simple, day-to-day living are removed from our day-to-day concerns. When so many pieces to simple contentment are in place, the deeper, more complex 'want's are addressed. And what are they? They are dangerous if not understood. For some, they are dangerous and understood. Every individual is the only one who can decide their own 'want's. You know whether with ample resources you would go to such extremes as drug use, sexual exploitation, artistic expression, etc. There are arguments to be made for trying anything once, just to know when it is not your cup of tea. We are all products of our past, and our future selves will always be the most important, as long as we have the wherewithal to care who that person will be.

So, if 'need's were somehow removed from the equation, what would our 'want's be? Therein lies our individuality. In many ways, it is that way in which we want our 'need's. The line is blurred when you zoom in close and see that every 'want' is to satisfy a grander, higher form of 'need'. Satisfying an urge fulfills a complex kind of craving for something like inner-peace. Calmness, and not in the druggy, stoned kind of way. But in an "I wanted to do this, and now I have" kind of way. On the flip side of the coin, bottling up desires can lead to a frustration that will not subside until it is eased or otherwise ignored (the latter is not recommended.) Through our life we are introduced to the infinite opportunities available to us. Some of them are uninteresting, or feel not worth the effort, while others tempt us with intrigue and excitement. The impulsions come despite a possible inherent danger or fear, and sometimes only through experience can we realize that something we wanted is something that we don't want anymore. When the dust on a tumultuous affair settles, we will be much happier to have actualized the reality of an impulse (at least as much as possible.) Some desires linger; skewed like the false memory of something being better than it was. Other times it was the timid failure to not experience something to the correct degree in the first place. Both must be faced on a frequent basis. This assessment of 'want's and 'need's gives us the opportunity to establish and exert our self-respect, courage and dignity - in my opinion the best of human traits.